Nothing makes sense any more
And this is where I stopped. And pondered. About everything.
Not only what I want. I think I know it by now – I want to pursue the best I can, I want best I can get. Firstly it’s the education.
But also what should I do by know. What I am going to do in the future. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
SHIT. TELL ME SOMEONE. WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW. WHEN THE BEST OPPORTUNITY FOF EVERYTHING IS IN THE PAST.
WHAT SHOULD I DO??? Alright. Enough. You need some information. About what I am talking.
So when I was in Klaipeda (somewhere in the middle of August) I visited, together with my mom, our family friends. I just wanted to have some walk. A trip maybe. Long story short, I wanted to have some load for my legs. And to clear my head. I needed at least 30km walk. That is exactly what I’ve got. 30km walk. And that wasn’t that much as it looked like before. Tbh that was nothing. I needed more. And I’m waiting for more (I’m planning to join a walkers squad, if it is what it called like in English). Anyways, let’s get back to the point. Those our friends – a whole family – were amazed by my state examinations results (I’ve got three 100% evaluations) and asked if I tried to apply to all the prestigious abroad universities. Well. No. I didn’t. You want to ask why? (yeah, that’s what they asked) The answer I gave was simple – when I realized that I want to study somewhere like in Harvard, it was too late. Yeah, deadlines were too close. I couldn’t fit in that time period. Yeah. I thought about that earlier. Like, in November. When I participated in Vilnius University event, called Student For One Day. And that was a nightmare. The main thought was “What the f**k, I don’t want to stay here, I should reconsider my carrier pursues”. But there was a few problems. The one that actually twisted my arm was that when I will be accepted, I will actually need to study hard there. Yeah. Then I will really need to LEARN. And there hardly be any free time, which I would need if I wanted to write my novel about dreams, which I really want to write. But there was more in background. That actually affected this situation the most.
Žmonės, mokykitės ir siekit kuo daugiau. Ir kuo anksčiau. Nebent tikrai žinot ko norit Man regis, aš tuoj pereisiu prie lietuviško rašymo.
My parents’ behaviour all the time was destructing. At first I thought it was just care. A little bit too much of it, but still maternal care. Maybe there still is some of it in my mom’s behaviour but now I realize – it’s all just a f**king nonsense. I don’t know how else I could describe it. My parents just want to lecture about how world works, when they by themselves has no idea. Well, they thing they have but actually they don’t. E.g. my mom sincerely thinks, that studying in Harvard is worthless 🙂 Yeah, you’ve read it right. Worthless. Or just participating anywhere is worthless. Or in her words “It develops a strong conceit”. Like you would look down on everyone as you take part in some kind of competitions, like math, physics, debates, or just do some “meaningless” projects. I think I’ve stated my opinion pretty clearly here.
Now. What’s the impact for the present? Obvious. I can’t get into Harvard. Firstly, I have no achievements other that decent grades and 3 state exams in 100%. That’s all. Despite dozen of my hobbies that have basically never came out in public. So it’s nothing.
Let’s get back to the point. I dropped this idea about Harvard from my mind in November. Studied for the state exams. Passed pretty well. Visited family friends. And then I thought. Nothing is too late. I can do everything, that I missed, now – It would be harder and more time-consuming, but worth it. I will get engaged in some more public activities, volunteer, participate in various competitions, learn more advanced English (for now my knowledge isn’t very impressive), learn to write essays, get recommendations, write a compelling motivation letter, pass SAT’s, IELTS and try to apply to Harvard or somewhere else next year. If I was declined, at least I will know, that I did my best. If I get accepted – I will have an opportunity to have the best education.
And what I hear now? It is almost too late. For the next year. So there are two options: I take a gap year, dive right into preparing for applications and somehow magically get ready for them until November; or I study for one more year in VU (I will have studied 2 of 4 years by then) and apply to Harvard then and if I get accepted, I will have to start everything from the beginning (2 years of my life wasted :)). And now I have to decide if those 2 years are significant in my life. And what I want. Do I want to stay here in Lithuania or do I want to live abroad. Do I want a basic job with a decent salary, family and happy family life, or do I want to seek more. Longer I wait, less time will be left in my life. And there’s a lot of things I want to do in my life and waste meaninglessly the least of this precious time.
There’s also one more way to end this. Admit that my life is an unsuccessful failure and try to make a better life for my children with as less as it can be of my parent’s mistakes. And give them an opportunity I couldn’t have.
Still Audrius here, from planet Earth
2021-08-20